The American Betrayal
Reflections From Across The Border
Before we start, let me say that I have a near-perfect track record regarding interactions with Americans. You’ve got a lot of great people doing extraordinary things. That said, I’m about to say some pretty not nice shit about some of you. When this happens, please remember that I don’t mean ALL Americans, just the ones I’m talking about.
Canada and the United States share the longest undefended border in the world. For more than 150 years, we have been neighbours, friends, and allies. We are each other’s largest trading partners. There are numerous examples of our nations coming to the aid of the other. From Bostonites sending help after the Halifax explosion to Canadians helping fight wildfires in California. These are things friends do for each other.
Probably the best example of the closeness of Canada’s relationship with the United States occurred in the hours and days following the terrorist attack on the Twin Towers. For those who don’t know the story, here’s a very brief rundown:
As soon as the U.S. closed its airspace, there was a problem with what to do with all the inbound flights coming across the Atlantic. Some could turn around but over 160 had to land at the first opportunity. For most of those planes, the nearest airport was Gander, Newfoundland. Gander is a town of 10,000 people. By the time all the planes were grounded and on the tarmac, 7,000 passengers and crew members needed to be cleared by customs and found a place to stay until the U.S. government approved reentry. Gander only had 500 hotel rooms. Community centers, schools, the Legion, and people’s homes became temporary places of refuge. No questions asked. Stores let the “plane people” take whatever they needed—free of charge. Pharmacies filled prescriptions—free of charge. Veteranians cared for animals stuck in cargo holds—free of charge. For more than three days, Gander opened its doors, welcomed stranded travelers with open arms, and refused to accept any payment for their trouble. They didn’t consider it a burden. It’s just what friends do.
The Tony award-winning play, Come From Away, tells the story of Gander, Newfoundland, and the events that followed the morning of 9/11. You can watch it on Apple TV+ or Amazon Prime, and I would encourage you to do so.
In addition to the kindness and support of Gander, the Canadian armed forces jumped into the fray, again, with no questions asked. Canada lost 158 soldiers and seven civilians helping the Americans fight in Afghanistan.
I mention all this history because this is the relationship that the vast majority of Canadians thought we had with the United States. That all started to change with two phrases uttered by the sorriest excuse for a president America has ever seen:
“Governor Trudeau” and “51st State”.
At first, people thought it was a joke. What became apparent quickly was that it wasn’t. The dumpster fire president, in an act of what can only be described as schoolyard bullying, in two sentences, insulted our leader and threatened Canada’s sovereignty—and Canadians started to get pissed.
Then, talk about tariffs became action, and all hell broke loose when Cheetolini said the quiet part out loud: he wanted to weaken Canada economically to make it easier to annex.
But wait, aren’t there trade agreements in place between the two countries to prevent this sort of thing? That’s a great question, and the answer is yes! In fact, the president negotiated and signed the latest one during his first term. That would make tariffs illegal then, wouldn’t it? Yes, but there is one exception: national security. If there’s a legitimate national security concern, all bets are off. With the two countries in the middle of a very healthy, mutually beneficial relationship that didn’t look like an option, so the adjudicated rapist and convicted felon did what small-minded, unscrupulous criminals do. He made something up.
Enter fentanyl.
Fentanyl is a scourge on society. It’s spectacularly deadly, and it needs to be eradicated. Donold Dump claimed that the flow of the drug into the United States constituted an emergency and threat to national security. It makes for a great sound bite, but when you break down the numbers, like pretty much everything else the orange mushbrain claims, the argument doesn’t hold water.
In 2024, the United States seized more than 20,000 pounds of fentanyl coming from Mexico. That’s a significant number and definitely constitutes a problem. What’s the number from Canada? It’s got to be that big for this to be a matter of national security, right? Wrong. The number from Canada was less than 50 pounds. No, I did not drop a couple of zeroes.
There is no crisis, but for some reason, all that’s needed to throw out a diplomatic agreement is for the resident White House dipshit to say there is and then run around like a pigeon playing chess claiming victory after knocking the board over.
And look, I’m not even going to get into the fact that it’s not Canada’s job to keep illegal substances out of the United States. That’s their damn job. Regardless, Canada invested 1.3 billion dollars to tighten up our side. We did exactly what was asked of us because that’s what friends do. In fact, we did such a good job of it that the small amount of fentanyl seized in one month dropped to almost zero in the next month. Did that stop the threats of tariffs and annexation from happening, though? Nope. It turns out that there is nothing we can do to appease the kindergartner that sits behind the Resolute Desk (when he’s not golfing).
Meanwhile, the rhetoric about calling our Prime Minister “Governor” and Canada becoming the 51st state continued, and continued, and continued, and through all of this Canadians went from annoyed and slightly miffed, to full-blown pissed off. And I’m not talking just a few of us, either. A recent poll puts 90% of Canadians against the idea of us becoming part of the U.S., and this is where many Americans have been blinded by the idea that they are the envy of the world. I can’t speak for other countries, but as far as Canada is concerned, a large part of our identity comes from the fact that we are proud NOT to be American.
Living in the shadow of the wealthiest, most powerful country in the world takes its toll, but while we were previously content to grumble about it at home or politely let people abroad know that we are, in fact, not American, the latest efforts of the current administration to bully us into submission were too much.
The United States fucked aboot, and we collectively decided that it’s time for them to find oot.
The Liquor Control Board of Ontario is the biggest purchaser of American alcohol worldwide, and they stopped buying it. In fact, most provinces decided to stop buying it, with many even pulling existing stock from the shelves. Think about that for a second. If it’s sold on consignment, that’s stock that the U.S. company has already paid to make, but is sitting, collecting dust. If it’s not sold on consignment, the Canadian business has already spent the money purchasing the alcohol, and rather than selling it to make their profit, they’d instead warehouse it. Families are cancelling vacations to the U.S., and many others won’t set foot on American soil until the MAGAts aren’t in charge anymore.
A couple of weeks ago, at the end of Saturday Night Live, Canadian comedian and actor Mike Meyers held his elbow in the air and mouthed the words “elbows up” while exposing a t-shirt with the maple leaf on it and the text “Canada is not for sale.” It’s become a rallying cry nationwide: “Elbows up!” For those unaware of what that means, its origins are, not surprisingly, from hockey.
Gordie Howe is arguably the best player ever to lace ’em up. He also had a reputation for being a tough player who took no shit and exacted retribution in violent ways. His nickname was actually “Mr. Elbows” before it was “Mr. Hockey.” If he or one of his teammates were wronged, he’d go into the corner with his elbow up, and the opposing player would end up with a broken nose. When Meyers mouthed the words to the television audience, he sent a message to all Canadians: get ready to defend your teammates.
The message was received loud and clear. Politicians are using the expression in speeches. Canadian apparel makers are selling merch (I have a t-shirt on order). Memes and videos are multiplying like amorous beavers. The country is so unified around fighting back that even Quebec separatists are flying Canadian flags. Grocery stores are identifying Canadian products to make it easier for consumers. Lists are circulating outlining the Canadian (or in some cases Latin American or European) alternatives. Canadian businesses are ripping up contracts.
We shouldn’t have been surprised. It’s our fault for thinking we were somehow different, that our friendship mattered. We saw how your marginalized communities were being treated. We saw what little regard you had for immigrants. We saw the support for genocidal maniacs. We saw the unforgivable behaviour toward Volodymyr Zelenskyy and the people of Ukraine. We watched it all in horror and disgust and naively thought we were immune. It turns out that there is no vaccine against betrayal.
The tightest relationship between any two countries was reduced to rubble because of a single person with the IQ of a hockey puck and the business acumen of a drunk Canada goose.
If he thinks he can bully us into submission, he’s got another thing coming. It’s game on, and we just went into the corner with our elbows up.
Known Order Girls (a young woman speaks truth to power and subverts authority)
Near Death By A Thousand Cuts: A Humorous Memoir of Misfortune (laughs)
Bent But Not Broken: One Family’s Scoliosis Journey (all royalties go to charity)
Retribution: The Mogul (Sex, drugs, manipulation, and hard truths)
Losing Vern (short story, only 99¢)